Simply; A pact I would make with myself.

These blogs have been written as I have been letting the past go. 

I have had stuck in my mind lately nothing changes, if nothing changes. 

And after much back and forth, and some simple but not simple decision making.. on what I wanted to put in and not put in.. I have put together a little bit of detail about a pact I made with myself in 2017ish.

This pact with myself, had to specifically do with growing my hair long and keeping it that way. 

.. first a little bit of back up information.. on what would lead me to the pact..

When my parents got together, My Dad (Step dad) had my Brother and my Mom had me  (Him and I were only five months apart in age).  They would add to our family, our brother and sister, twelve/thirteen years later.   We lost our brother in 2014, and this for me is when I began to feel a bit lost in our family dynamic. 

I have only honestly mentioned this to a few individuals over the last tens years; like most things before starting this blog, I kept it to myself.    

What I mean when I say I started to feel a bit lost in our family dynamic was because the only person I realized I was technically fully related to was my mom.  And the idea of not being fully related to anyone else in my family started to throw me off  (I looked around and all I would see was families who were all fully related.. mom, dad, siblings.. etc).    In the same breath, I hadn’t ever really thought about the whole step, half vs full relation until after my brother passed away.  I didn’t pay much mind to it because at the end of the day we were all a family no matter what. 

For some reason, it  just kept circulating in my mind, on repeat everyday that I was only related by either adoption/marriage, and in halves to these individuals.  I felt like without my brother I no longer had a place in my own family (silly I know).  

Each life milestone I’ve experienced after he passed away, was different.  We were both so very different but some how still managed to have a lot of similar experiences happen around the same time.  

I mean the littlest tiniest things,  different paths, I went to college, he joined the Marines,  but at around the same time frame my boyfriend bought me a “promise” ring, and he got his Girlfriend a promise ring.  We both were such different individuals in our family, and our lives were completely different,  but there were moments like this one that would happen similarly without either of us knowing, until after).   

This information isn’t the point of this blog, so I will continue on with what this one is really about.  

As I was mentally going through a roller coaster trying to figure out where I belonged in my own family, I also had some major life changes and events happening at exactly the same time. 

I finished my masters, bought a house, started therapy, a new job, and my current relationship went from: dating, to engaged, to married, to divorced.   

And all I think I needed was someone to sit down with me and let me talk it all out.  I needed to figure out a bunch of whats, wants, and whys.  

Truthfully maybe I needed to scream at the top of my lungs. Maybe I needed to leave right then and there.  

It didn’t matter what I was dealing with at the time (in 2017 and on), I was focused on wanting to move forward with my life and experience all the things that were to come next.. but then once I got to those milestones/events/experiences.. it didn’t feel right, it seemed to always feel off.  its hard to explain.. it was like I was experiencing life, but also watching from the outside.  

Which lead me into this pact.  

My hair for me has always been just hair.. “it’ll grow back”.. so there were only two options consistently for me… i would either chop it short to my shoulders or let it be crazy and wild.  

With how lost I was feeling within my own family,  I decided to make a deal with myself in 2017.   

I would not cut my hair short again until I realized what I truthfully wanted in my own life for myself..  and until I had a family of my very own.   In my mind then, this made perfect sense.  

I used to pray for it every night.  A family that was filled with both love and support, and who would be there through it all.   

The crazy thing about this pact, is that after getting through all of the sadness, pain and chaos I was experiencing, I realized all I needed to do was simply open my eyes and embrace the family I had all around me.  I mean I was embracing them but also running away from them at the same time.  

Now lets dive into a bit more detail.. 

A family of my own, in my mind wasn’t about having kids or not having kids; All I truthfully wanted when I said a family of my own, was to feel like I belonged in a space somewhere fully.   

I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with someone who actually saw me, and that surrounded me with love.  I wanted to be appreciated and acknowledged for simply breathing and existing, not because of what I could provide them. 

After some specific moments I experienced, my idea of a family of my own was just that of me and another person.  I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into this world with what I had experienced.   I had no one to protect me or I guess I’d say, I couldn’t even protect myself during those times, so how would I be able to protect another human being. 

For me personally, I haven’t been in a full blown, long term, committed relationship since 2017/2018 and being vulnerable for me became very hard after that relationship ended.   Especially after the brief moments I had to be vulnerable, and really dive into detail with other “men” in a dating setting ( I mean these men barely knew anything about me, besides what they heard from others, and the little I mentioned to them).. The vulnerability attempts came in 2018, and then briefly.. very briefly in 2020.  I mentioned sort of a little bit about the pact I made with myself, and how I wanted something that was fully mine.  Where I could finally feel like I had a place somewhere and It was met with negative comments and backwards support  (Backwards support was them having a “listening ear”, that would later turn what I confided in them, around on me.. in some manipulative way).     

The first opportunities I was given to be vulnerable ended up giving me a bit of a set back feeling.  I felt like I was moving forward when I was given these moments and opportunities.. but was met with similar responses.. and reactions both times, that I felt like I was also moving backwards. With the unkind words, and those gnarly moments, it led me to changing and modifying my pact a little bit more.  

I selfishly wanted to experience so much more then I had at that time, I wanted to figure out myself and grow into a better me and I really needed to fully step out of the head space I was in.  

It took me a few years, and a few moves,  to fully understand that what I truthfully wanted, I always had right here in front of me.   I didn’t need to move to find it.  It was always going to be wherever I was.  

My family has been filled with, sad, chaotic, loud, dysfunctional, happy, and healthy times..  

& every time I think we are starting to feel like we have grown more together, we are met with or given more moments to grow through experiences together. 

I have so much love in my heart for my family.  

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by the type of individuals who would do anything for you.  I can speak for myself in saying I have been constantly learning ways that I can better communicate with them, and how I can be a bit more open.  Creating boundaries the best I can.  

I have experienced so many moments where it feels like it is all falling apart, but weirdly also all coming together at the same time.  

This pact was something I made with myself, when I barely knew myself.  

The changes that were happening and the choices I was making.. were chaotic at that time.   

I made this pact when I was still trying to find my place in my own family. 

OR I should really say when I was still trying to find my place within myself.  

.. and I also love my long crazy wild hair.. 

..love your journey..