_edited.png){kind=small}
Grief
Its different for everyone, and honestly I don’t personally think it is ever easy.
For me, I have had to learn how to just keep moving forward. I have moments where I wish you were here..just to see you with everyone again, and to just hug you one more time.
I wasn’t sure when would be a good day or time to post this one.
I mean the month of September holds both the day you passed away and the day we celebrate your birth. Some might think your death anniversary date would have been the day, it was the ten year mark without you this year.. or maybe I should post this on your birthday, the big Thirty-Five.
Neither one of these days are the days that I think about you the most though.
I started writing this last year, then deleted everything I wrote, and restarted it.
I wrote out all of my feelings, so many memories and let all my tears flow. It ended up being pretty therapeutic.
I guess, All that to say that there is no right or wrong day to post this blog.
because, I know for me I think about you on a random Tuesday, when that Metallica, or that kid rock, or even the a La Bouche song (If you know you know) randomly plays in the car when I shuffle songs. I think about you when I go to the hand full of different hockey rinks (you’ve played at) and watch our little cousins play hockey. We think about you when those dang 49ers, choke in the super bowl.
Its the random moments, throughout my day when I find myself thinking of so many memories we all shared together. Or in the moments where I have had to pause, smile, and shed a few tears.. because conversations with our little brother hit hard. In those moments, he says something or does something, and it is exactly the way you would have done it .. or something you would have said. Those moments hit hard, because just for a moment its like you are in the room with us again.
I still go to get Ashleys Ice cream.. but the only difference is its not after one of your hockey games, its after I visit your grave to bring some new flowers.
Like I mentioned this year marked the Ten year mark without you. To think we have made it ten years, without some Billy Boy shenanigans is crazy.
Ten years to the day.. and almost the exact minute.. I found myself standing in the exact same spot that I found out that you passed away. Completely unintentionally.
I was setting up my Munchkin’s soccer practice, and I looked around.. realized.. ten years prior to this moment, I was in this same exact place, just picking up my U12 teams soccer practice instead.
I called our sister in that moment to tell her.. and After practice .. I drove home and could only think about all that had changed in the last ten years.
Then my mind shifted back to one of the days that changed my life.
September 9th 2014.
My typical fall schedule at this time included work, my master program, and coaching. I helped coach at the high school in town and I coached my little sisters soccer team too.
On this evening, I was coaching and in charge of bringing both my siblings home after their practices (my little brother played youth football; all which practiced at the same facility). One of my childhood friends (I have known since we were five) coached with me. I didn’t ever look at my cellphone while I am coaching, so for about an hour.. hour and a half my phone would stay in my bag.
I mean it wasn’t out of the ordinary that I would be in charge of bringing my siblings home from practice.. we all lived together still (I mean I didn’t do it often as my mom liked being at their practices). I was “in charge” or responsible for bringing them home this day because my parents were all the way in Guilford.
With little to no details from my mom, I assumed, that they were going to see/ visit my brother.
After practice got over, I picked up my cellphone to see if my mom had called or texted any updates but there was nothing from her. The only message I had was from a girl I went to high school with. She had texted me her condolences. Reading her message, I was confused.. and a little panicked, so I handed my Friend my phone, and I said “What does this mean?”
At this point, I had walked so far away to call my mom on the phone, I didn’t realize I was on the other side of the field away from the group of 10/11 year old girls that I coached.
While processing all of this in just a few minutes, I realized that I had to drive both of my siblings home; neither one of them knew what was going on.. and realistically.. I think I blacked everything going on around me out in the same moment. Trying to be strong, keep it all together, while trying to understand it all at the same time was mentally tasking.
I was also trying to understand why my mom wouldn’t just have told me. By the time we got home my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins were all at the house.
Hugs, tears and a lot of confusion is all I really remember that day.
Ten days before his birthday, my brother passed away.
With a big family like ours we have felt loss before.
And not a single one of those losses, could have prepared me for this one.
To end this blog I wanted to include a few good memories about Billy. There are so many memories I wanted to include in this myself, things I have witnessed.. or stories he has told.
Some of the stories aren’t appropriate to be said outside of our household truthfully. A lot of the memories, I sit back and think.. that was just Bill being Bill.
My brother used to take me around our yard, he would be on the old John Deere lawnmower, and I would be in that little red wagon. We tied it up to the lawn mower with some rope. Its not only one of my favorite memories but also a favorite photo of mine. This is special to me because our little brother did the same exact thing when he was younger.. any one who would come over our house he took it upon himself to take them on a “tractor” ride around the yard. As soon as our little brother started doing this activity, it became sort of like a little family tradition for the boys.
My favorite memory/moment with bill is when I was roughly like six years old and it was summer I was in my room playing and I heard a car pull in the driveway so I look and see its his truck, I remember running so fast down stairs and into the pool area I was so excited to see him and when I ran out there he immediately picked me up and gave me a big hug and kiss and said hi princess. This one is my favorite because in this moment I was so happy for him to be at the house especially since growing up I thought of him as my best friend and defender, and anytime I got to see him he would always make me smile and laugh.
Bill Being Bill
I was 14, and hadn’t seen Billy in a couple months, which wasn’t unusual as we got older. Seemingly out of nowhere he calls me and tells me to come to the front yard during Quinns 8th birthday party, and to bring Mitchell and Quinn. He was standing there next to a truck I hadn’t seen before. “Happy birthday Quinny. Here take this.”, as he handed an 8 year old $60. “Brett how do you like the truck?” It was an early 2000’s f-150 that wasn’t very special but if Billy liked it, I like it. After talking about the truck for about 10 minutes, he without hesitation says, “so tank tops are in now… we should go get some. You know where to get tank tops around here?” Off to the mall we went. Lo and behold, he was correct. Pacsun was stocked with what seemed to be 100’s of styles of tanks, and was running a buy 2 get a 3rd free. Bill and I probably went through each tank top making sure we were picking the right ones. Such an important decision takes time. When it came time to pay Bill told me to put my money away and bought my new favorite clothing items for the next 10 years. We got back to the truck and immediately changed into our new tank tops and went back to Quinns birthday. We thought we looked so cool when we got back when in truth we definitely just looked like a couple of tools. I have so many memories with Billy, but that one always makes me smile. There are many days where I still can’t fathom that he’s gone, and has been for 10 years, but the memories I have with him never fail to bring a smile to my face.
When it comes to the memories I share with this goon, so many come to mind. Birthday calls were genuinely my favorite because he started calling randomly to wish me a “Happy Birthday” and we’d just talk and laugh for hours, and I hated being on the phone but with him it was easy and entertaining! However, one memory will forever live in the front of my head and that was my 20th birthday. He swore I was turning 21 and brought me a sleeve of fireball with a bow on it. I was no angel so I knew what fireball was but I looked at him like “are you crazy?” And he said “ Come on Bren, don’t be lame. You’re 21!” I started dying laughing, told him it was my 20th and we had a good laugh cry” Then there’s the shit we used to talk on each other but he always won because my diabetes makes a great punchline. Ten years and it's still fooking trash you’re gone. I love you forever Billy Boy. CoBro forever <3
My memories with Billy were of loud laughs and getting yelled at by our respective cecchini moms, whether we were playing Simpsons road rage in the the old house, or us having ugly sweater fashion show with Aunt Jo’s knit clothes. Billy was always a big smile a big heart and my big cousin brother.
.. so many moments, and memories come up for me.. all of them, always bring the tears and the laughter simultaneously.
Happy Heavenly Birthday Big Brother.
xoxo. <3
Comments