The Letters they Wrote to Themselves.

Its just one of those writing prompts..

NO, NO, it's honestly so much more than that.

Letter to self..

Prior to the last year or so, I’ve felt like damaged goods, a product that in its entirety works as it should but the dent or scratch from being dropped in shipping still renders it imperfect.

What a cliche though. Then again looking back on my life this far, I see nothing but cliches. It feels like at every point in my life I’ve found someone or something to copy and put forth as my own. Not only do I see cliches, but cowardliness too. Whenever I think about some kind of turning point or coming of age moment in my life, I think about how I reacted. I reacted by staying neutral. If there was one word to describe me during most of my adolescence neutral would be it. I coasted through the backroads of life just sitting in neutral making sure not to tip the scales too far out of balance one way or the other.

Now I feel empty, not quite like a tube of toothpaste, but more like a super store at night. A superstore that still works just fine and is fully stocked, but when it’s closed all the lights are out of order and things lay motionless or in my case… emotionless.

I don’t think this describes me quite well anymore. I’ve learned to make decisions based on what I want, or at least interject and explain why I think a different way could be better. I’m not as worried about tipping the scales and have become more confident in my decisions, seemingly becoming more definitive. While I believe I still have some adjustments to make, I’m proud of myself for breaking off from some ideologies I felt were placed on me. I’m still reconstructing some opinions and thoughts based on new information. Now, when making a decision, I am able to be comfortable even in discomfort or the face of adversity, as I know now that even when you try, you will never be able to please everyone around you.

Letter to myself

  To me you are doing good you should be proud of yourself, so why yet do u feel a constant doubt in your self of whether or not you are in the right place, if you are making family proud, if you are doing the right things and making the right choices. No one knows the right choices in life because everyone is figuring it out so why can’t you just sit and be proud of yourself and let it be that. I think deep down I am proud of me but I think I will never admit because I feel I’m a burden to everyone and I’m not making them happy and I just keep making the wrong choices. I tell myself everyday what I need to do to be better and yet I still always have this mental block that doesn’t allow for it. I’m constantly tired physically and mentally and emotionally and I shouldn’t be there is nothing wrong for me to feel this way I have it good but for some reason I don’t feel it. Dear me I have always struggled with being confident and having self love and it’s been that way since I was a kid I think I’m starting to feel more self love but I in this time being don’t think I will have confidence until I achieve my dream body and goals in life and that’s not how it should be but in my brain that’s how it works.. to me I see all these kids my age and younger in these happy relationships and I have always loved love and I just don’t get why I have yet to experience anything like it in my 20 years of life never even come close and I think that’s is a big factor in what hurts me is I will love people to my fullest extent and never receive half of it back and to me that’s insane maybe it’s just a me problem that I have yet to figure out or maybe the universe has a bigger plan for me that I don’t understand yet but I want to.

But to myself please love yourself it’s the least you can do we have done so much for ourselves we should love and be proud of it and thank god everyday for it.

A letter to myself…

I’ve struggled quite a bit to write this and don’t really know where to start but here goes nothing. Take a look around you, take a look at everything going on in your life right now. First things that come to mind: working, trying, loving, learning, living… Living. You’ve always felt this pressure to do better, to BE better but you’ve never really figured out… better than what? Well, why does it matter? You are constantly evolving into a better version of yourself, and I am so proud of you for that. So what if you’re not living up to other people’s expectations 24/7, you are living your life and that’s what matters. You are the one who looks yourself in the mirror day in and day out, you are the one who’s opinion on you matters the most. You have achievements you can look back on and be proud of, you’re working towards goals, you’re laughing every day, you get to sleep next to the love of your life every night, you have an amazing support system. You’re doing the damn thing, so stop being so hard on yourself.

Grateful. A word you write in your journal almost every page. A word that means more to you than most other words. A word that has changed your mindset. “I am grateful for the life I live, and the body that allows me to live it.” The body that carries you. The body that gets you from point A to point B. The body that has grown with you as you change with the seasons. The body that shows the scars you’ve accumulated throughout your life whether they’re from simple cuts, or that time your childhood best friend knocked you off your bike. You’ve struggled a lot with body image throughout the years and I am proud of the headspace you have reached. It’s your body, your one body you get this lifetime. And you finally love it, so stop being so hard on yourself.

I want to thank you, or I guess myself? Either way, thanks. You have proven that you have what it takes to reach every goal you have. You have determined that you are worthy of love, and to be loved. Every time you’ve gone to write this, your mind has drifted towards the negatives, but what about the positives? The things you love about… you. Your laugh, your smile, your determination, the way your hair air dries, your style, the way you love unconditionally, your eyes, your straightforwardness, the way you’re never afraid to speak your mind. You! You love you! You have been through a lot that has changed you and the way you view life, but you’re still here. And younger you would be proud of you for that. You’re here, you’re breathing, you’re living. You used to dream about being rich and affording any and everything. And while of course that would still be nice, I think you’re already rich. Rich with love, rich with joy, rich with laughter. You’ve hit the jackpot baby, so stop being so hard on yourself.

Dear me,

2023 was a year of growth, learning lessons, and finding yourself more than you thought you needed. Looking back now I never thought things would get better but it did, you hung in there and I’m proud of you for that. I thought I wanted the perfect relationship and the perfect home to make me happy. But more than ever I just needed my mom, my closest friends, and me. I’m grateful to have such a supportive system to this day that lifts and motivates me more than ever. The females around me are empowering, kind, gentle, independent, and don’t ask help from a man. I also, didn’t know that I would find more things about me. Losing someone in your life for the past 4 years shows who you are without them. And I like myself better without them. I have my own voice and I have found the courage to stand on my own across the country away from family and friends.

2024 is a year where you don’t say no to things, do everything you can while your young. See life through rose colored glasses “La vie en rose.” There is so much love around us that people take for granted, even through the simple things. Don’t miss out on that.  Love is a beautiful experience and feeling that it doesn’t have to come from a relationship to fulfill that need. I’m grateful to have experience that once in my life unlike others but love is everywhere. This year is about falling in love with friendships, falling in love with hobbies, falling in love with yourself, calling your family member telling how much you love them. Everyday is a new day to fall harder in love with life.

You keep chasing the sun, and following what your heart tells you. Don’t let anyone judgement take a total in your life. This is your life, you have one chance at it. I hope you take that chance to move to an island or live in a van and travel the world. Gain experiences over things. Live that dream you have always wanted to do. No hesitation. After seeing  a sign that says “Just drive, everything else can wait” hits me harder more than ever. Because once in a lifetime opportunities can’t wait but everything else can. 2024 is an opportunity to feed the hunger of travel and grow as an individual. I want to make myself proud and put me as a priority. Be the girl that looks up when walking.

Mama you’re crushing it.

You’ve grown more than you ever thought you could grow in a lifetime, and you’ve done it in the fastest yet longest 10 weeks. The days are so long but the weeks are zipping by. You’ve learned so much about yourself. You’re the most patient and determined you’ve ever been. Your heart has grown a million times in size for your soulmate and this little being you both created.

You’ve been scared to your core and exploding with love all in the same 24 hour period, multiple times. You didn’t know it was possible to have so many feelings all over the map in such a short time frame. Crying happy tears and then a second later petrified you’re not doing enough, or not doing it right. Questioning your every move and then being proud of yourself you made it through another day.

Motherhood has been the most fulfilling, exhausting, happiest, scariest thing you’ve ever done. But you’re doing it and you’re doing AMAZING! Keep trusting your instincts. Keep trusting your gut. You know what’s best for your family and no one’s opinion/advice will ever change that. Turn off that outside noise because you know what’s best!

You’ve come so far from syringe feedings that took all hands on deck, to what feels like the never ending breastfeeding challenges, and being okay with bottle feedings. Pumping is its own battle of figuring out how to time it right, and trying to get him to latch before you’ve drained the taps.

It’s all trial and error. Every day. You’re doing it and you’re doing great!

You’ve wanted to throw in the towel a few times but haven’t. He’s worth every ounce of your own frustration. Keep going! Keep trying! You’re doing amazing! Everything is okay! He’s getting your milk. He’s getting so much love. You’ve got this. It’s hard but you’re doing the best that you can and that’s all he knows.

Don’t worry about having a spotless house. You will again one day. You’ll have time to do it some day. Don’t stress the small stuff. You just grew a human for 9 months and now you’re doing everything in your power to feed him and love him and make a perfect life for him!

You’re doing great! Give yourself grace! Be proud of yourself! Stay positive!! You’ve got this!! I love you!

Letter to me..

One day it all just clicked. You realized what’s important and what isn’t. You stopped caring so much about what other people think of you and focused more on what you think of yourself. Is it a work in progress? Always. But the fact that you’re taking baby steps in the right direction is what you need to acknowledge. No one is perfect and life is far from easy. But you’ve learned to enjoy all the little things with the people that matter the most to you.

I want you to know that it’s never too late to try, to start something new, to heal, to become the person you want to be, to let go of the versions of you that you’re not necessarily fond of, to break unhealthy cycles and learn that by saying no and setting boundaries is healthy. It doesn’t make you a bad person, if anything it proves that you have respect for yourself and know your worth. I wont lie, that did take some time to work through. But growth takes time, it’s never an overnight improvement.

I want you to work on lowering your expectations and just do what you can manage. Focus on what you can control and stop over thinking everything. Learn to live in the moment more because you could be missing out on opportunities that could change your life for the better.

Remind yourself of how far you’ve come and how messy things were just a few years ago to the point where you thought you’d never recover from it. Now that you’re looking back, doesn’t it make you smile? You should be so proud of the person you fought to get to today. Your drive, your kindness, your heart, your positive attitude are just a few things that make you special and I hope you never lose sight of that

Dear me,

Well look at you. Who thought you would make it here. Who thought you would make it anywhere. I can’t believe how your view on life have changed so much for the better. The sacrifice was great, but it couldn’t have happened any other way because, it didn’t.

I just want you to know that you are allowed to make any decision for your life that you want to. You are not stuck anywhere, ever, at any time. Just because you’ve built a successful career at one thing, doesn’t mean you can’t build a successful one at something else. This is YOUR life, and no one else’s. Plus, you could die tomorrow.

I think it’s time for your story to be told. I won’t say it’s overdue, but the people you can help and inspire are waiting for you. The women you needed as a girl are waiting. What’s your legacy?

You don’t know how to fail, not because you don’t believe in failure (that’s obvious) but because you only know how to drive forward. Whatever you decide to do you will succeed because you don’t know how not to.

What do you want your life to really look like? Who cares if it disappoints people in your current career - if they support you, they support you through and through. And if they don’t, they were never meant for you. Don’t let others dictate your decisions, because at the end of the day they are not the ones lying in your coffin.

There are big things ahead for you, but you know that. You’ve known that.

So go do the damn thing.

Sincerely,

Your Badass Self

To me:

You’ve come a long way …and I’d like to say it’s been a battle, but “journey”  is a much better word for it.

Whether it has been fighting addiction, or scrounging up enough money for rent, or never truly figuring out your passion, well not yet at least, you’ve never really felt beaten down or lost. You’ve always just looked at whatever has been throw at you as a new challenge, and then made some really politically incorrect joke to make it easier to stomach. Which is ok. You like living like that. Never take things too serious. Try to fill tough times with some nonsense jokes, and keep pushing. Are there times where you feel like you are

taking the whole weight of the world on your shoulders because everyone seems to lean on you for a solution or emotional support? Yes. Plain and simple. This isn’t the first time you’ve realized this, so it’s nothing new. But you just need to be present with yourself at times. Be your own emotional support. Be ok with telling people to FUCK OFF. You’ll be much better equipped to help others in the long run if you take care of you first. Keep your heels dug in, stay ridiculous, and keep climbing that fucking ladder.

my little blob ..a mash up of sorts to myself

Howdy,

Thank you for continuing to show love, and kindness always to yourself and others.

Your strength and courage to take risks is incredible.

Your dreams, and your desires are only yours.

And no one can take them away from you.  Remember that.

Your goals, your wants, your prayers, your hopes, everything that you are building for yourself and others around you. Will come, they will happen.   Keep going.   

Thank you for keeping those things quiet as you build them, and as you work on them.   

I am proud of you for being able to always do your own thing.

For being able to know when it's time to walk away and leave a situation, place, or conversation.

The courage it takes to see you stand up for yourself, in new situations (being able to see all that you have learned along the way, come together). IS BEAUTIFUL!

I know it’s been exhausting lately. Overwhelming at times.

I know that the moments you feel your guard go up, are the same moments you start to back up and go quiet.

I know that the moments this happens you feel like you need to be on high alert and protect yourself.

How did it feel, to see your words go from your mouth and mind to someone else’s actions.  Did witnessing those things take place end up finally showing you exactly what you needed it to?   Or do you need more?

Rest and restart, shake your head, laugh, shed a few tears.. and let it FUCKING GO!

What’s for you, is for only you.  Continue to focus on yourself and what you are truthfully after.

Thank you for only knowing how to show up authentically as yourself.

Quiet around some, overly talkative around others.   

Smiling, laughing, positive, quiet, loud, wild, messy, passionate.

How has it been learning to not over give?

I see that you learned you don’t always see it as technically “over giving”

you look at it as "I was thinking of them, and I wanted to snag it for them or share it with them"

Oh that love you have for the little things.

I am proud of you, for overcoming a major fear and allowing another into one of your most "sacred/safe" places.  That took trust and it took courage.

In those moments when you are afraid to take up space, when you are afraid to speak directly.

DO IT. Take up the space, speak directly as FUCK.

Let the rejections & the failures happen, let the victories & the successes happen.

Embrace the losses, the wins, the missed opportunities and the new opportunities.

WELCOME THE CHANGE. Don’t stop taking risks, and challenging yourself.   

I'll always be the girl who is just Grateful to be here. xoxo

I am Grateful and Appreciative

For the VULNERABILITY,

For the TRUST.

For each individual who participated and

For those who didn’t end up participating but gave it some thought.   

I am Thankful and Blessed for each one of you.

..love your journey..