It’s Sacred, It’s My Body, It's my Home.

I wanted to get vulnerable in this blog.  I wanted to dive deep into my journey with my body.. with connecting with it.. with embracing it.. with everything I am constantly going through with it.   

I didn’t want it to be like my last blog My Journey: My Body, a blog I wrote in 2020/2021.  I’d like to include a few paragraphs from that blog.  

“Our bodies are all different, as are our stories that are attached.. or go along with them. 

It is absolutely amazing and intriguing to me what each and every one of us goes through, physically, mentally and spiritually when it comes to our bodies.

For me, it was important to learn not only how to connect to my body but to understand my body; from its needs, its breaking points, and the thoughts/feelings attached to it.  My mindset around my body has been a rollercoaster ride. Lots of ups and downs… I have had moments where I move forward and moments where I don’t move at all (mentally and physically). To say I have always had a positive view or mindset around or about my body would be a lie. I have put my body through hell. I have also learned how to take care of it and nourish it. I have found ways to let the negative thoughts/mindsets go.

My journey with my body isn’t over yet, we still have a long way to go together and I am excited to see what else there is to learn.”

But this blog should include different experiences, different parts of my journey.   The previous blog really summarized a good amount of what I had previously experienced in the years leading up to it.   It did lack a bit of depth and vulnerability in certain areas with my body.  

.. Breathe.. lets get vulnerable.. 

For those who are reading and may be new here, My blogs are a space for me to write about my experiences, how things I’ve stumbled upon in my journey made me feel, or played a role in my life. 

For this blog in particular, I wanted to try and be as vulnerable as I possibly could.   

I have gone through a lot emotionally to get words down and out of my head.   I wasn’t quite sure what words to put down to talk about how I have been learning to value and respect my body, which I would say has been in process a very long time.  

My first issue with my body was with my boobs and my legs.  When the time came to wear a real bra and not my sports bras.. I quickly realized how big my boobs were.. and it was uncomfortable.   And I guess maybe my legs have been thicker, from all the soccer I have played.. maybe they are just thicker because that’s my body.   I think being self conscious about my legs started when I was in middle school, when someone made comments about cellulite on the back of my legs.  

When you are a teenager your body changes a lot.   I mean puberty hits.. you get your period as a female .. and your body just morphs into something completely different.   I mean from the age of thirteen to eighteen my body had endured so many changes big and small.   I went from being a size D to a B.   My diet changed, my workouts changed, my weight changed.      

While my body was “changing,”   I would tell myself it was for my goals.. (to play soccer in college).. then it morphed into  a being skinny thing.. maybe if my body looked a certain way it would be more attractive, it would move better. 

I mean I was a teenager, who listened to comments about acne on my body, and cellulite on my legs.

And in the midst of all these changes.. I decided to throw in the perfect storm.. I had my first “real” boyfriend.. you know my “First.”     My first time having sex wasn’t anything magical.   I mean I was dating a guy, who cheated on me, and laughed when that girl made fun of me on the internet (good ol’ myspace days).    

Man oh man .. To be a teenager.. trust someone with your body and be treated with disrespect.. wasn’t really a great start for me.  Let me summarize this as quickly as possible.. when him and I went on a break.. (I’d say broke up) I thought in order to feel something.. I needed to try it again with someone else..and maybe I would feel that connection.. haha  oh boy how wrong was I.. 

I quickly realized that wasn’t a thing.   I also realized that my ex boyfriend.. you know the one I lost my virginity to, would make sure that I would feel like the biggest scum on the earth for those actions.   It didn’t matter what had previously happened, what his actions were/had been, he belittled me.. or maybe the word would be slightly terrorized me.  

Writing this makes me feel dramatic.. I feel like I don’t have the right to put any of this down on this page.  I am not trying to write this to bring up the past, I am trying to give some context of where my journey with my body really started.     I mean my blog is about MY JOURNEY. 

In those early teenage years I was already self criticizing my body,  and in my later teenage years..I was destroying my body.    

The thing I realized in my high school years.. was that when I eventually dated the nice guy.. I would get bored.. and I wouldn’t appreciate the little efforts he would make.. because of all the bullshit I had endured before him from one guy. 

   A few shitty choices.. and a bad mindset..can literally lead you on some gnarly rides.   

Those later teenage years.. into the early 20s I would be in one of those on again off again relationships.. that would drag on for a few years too long.    I was that girlfriend who would visit her boyfriend at his college and purposely leave a matching bra and underwear set.. so that other girls would know he had a girlfriend.. haha like that stopped him from doing anything.  I mean even being one hundred miles away from each other.. i was still considered "TOO DEPENDENT” on him.  

So much was already changing with my body in those years, sex and relationships weren’t helping me mentally at all  (lets add an ACL tear to the mix and my college dreams feeling lost).   

The combination of terrible relationships.. and having a bad relationship with your body wasn’t it.   It lead me into a few areas where I ended up experiencing more.. but regretting more too.   The instant accountability mindset. 

I guess I got really good at repeating similar cycles.   At least with each experience I was able to see how far I’d grown and understand a little bit more in depth about what was going on with me.  How empty I was.. how I longed for a connection that was worth it.  How I was searching for more..

 It is important to reflect and be able to sit down with yourself and ask the hard questions.  

Why was I doing this? Was it worth it?  Did it make you feel seen, or valued?  And .. just why? 

.. did I actually fully reflect on these questions.. 

I wanted to include sex and intimacy into this blog because there was a time it affected my body more than I realized.   

With each relationship I have been in, sex has either been the focus or non existing.   It has always had a direct effect on my body and my mind.  They have gone hand in hand.. maybe because, subconsciously  I had made them.  

From having a few relationships, a few flings, good and bad.. you learn a lot about yourself.  My journey with my body has always been about trying to learn how to connect fully with it.    When it comes to intimacy I have always needed more and settled for less at the expense of allowing someone and their energy to attach to me… even if they weren’t actually attached to me.. (if that makes any sense).   

I mean these few experiences would eventually lead me straight into to being a girl I never wanted to be.   

With being completely lost in myself and my life.. and not knowing where I was going what I was doing.. I became the girl who cheated on the man she would marry.  I  also was the girl who would try hard for months prior to that.. to get this man to notice me, to touch me.. to experience me. 

Imagine giving everything to someone .. and to feel like your existence didn’t matter.. where both of us were on two separate pages.. so fully disconnected..   To have a moment finally together.. for it to end with a sentence like “was that good enough for you.”  Etched in your brain.. for years. 

Then to get divorced.. and fall right back into bullshit.. to feel as though I needed karma for cheating on someone who didn’t even realize I was a fucking human being.   So I jumped into a new relationship..  (I mean, was I easy to deal with in a relationship then.. no.. for christ sakes I married someone and got divorced all in the same year.  I had no fucking idea which way was up.. what was going on.. or how to stop and breathe).  That still didn’t mean I deserved to be verbally “abused” and manipulated.  In my head I totally deserved this.   To be yelled at and treated that way.    You eventually get the courage to say enough and leave.  

My body was in desperation mode.  It wanted to feel, it wanted to experience what it felt like to be free. 

I’ve allowed myself to be in experiences without actually being fully present in them.  All in order to try to feel something.  To feel anything at all.  

Side bar:  I am sure at this point some people reading this might be pissed off and I give ZERO FUCKS.  I am done holding the weight of my feelings in this.   I am done allowing these experiences to take up space in my body anymore.  I needed to get it out and fully release them.   Yes I left out in depth detail.. and summarized but no one needs the detailed version.  

Lets skip to that part where I wanted to experience what it felt like to be free.. 

.. then for once you have a moment.. where you feel like you aren’t drowning in the weight of it all anymore.  Someone comes along unexpectedly who makes you feel grounded, and seen.  Who makes you feel things and it terrifies you.   A man who traces and touches your body.. a man like that is hard to forget.   “Flings” like this happen I guess.. and sometimes they carry on.. and off.. and on and off.  

Allowing my experiences and the words of other inside my head.. I became really good at creating bullshit for myself.  

The California years.. taught me how to connect more with myself.. they taught me how to be fully alone.  I connected with my body in a way that when I experienced an Orgasm having sex.. I wondered if it was because of the work I had been doing on myself.. or if it had to do with the man I was connected to.  I didn’t really know.. I was learning about my body so in depth at this time.    

Imagine.. anyone in any relationship thinking that they can touch your body whenever and however they want.   Imagine knowing only one person.. and trusting them enough to be in your home.. in your bed.   I have experienced a man who has touched me while I was asleep.. and waking up to it.. and thinking What the heck is happening.  To be brave enough to confront him.  To bring it up in open conversation.. and ask about it… to be completely shut down.  To be made to feel like you made it all up.     Then to be met with comments when explaining to someone else.. with well you are dating them.. or you are with them.    All I have to say about this experience is.. that I WAS FULLY ASLEEP and I did not give consent in anyway.. regardless if I was sleeping next this this man.. to have his fingers inside my body.. without my knowledge.    A complicated situation.. it is to be in a new place.. and have one person you know.. and experience this.. how do you walk away.. how do you leave.  

My complicated mind..  My disconnected body.   

Which lead me into my first real experience with being fully alone, without any desire to have another man in my space.   Which lead me into creating my safe space.  My entire apartment in California.. four flights of stairs up..became my tower.    I went to the gym more.. I acclimated myself more with my new area.  I was learning how to take all I have journaled, and experienced and figure out a way to put them into blogs.   Grounding myself more with all that was around me.  Having a little fling and realizing how detached I had become to my body again when it came to sharing it with another. 

It would take more than a year before I’d allow a man to sleep in MY space again. When I say this I mean I hadn’t allowed a man to be in my apartment and in my bed.  I let this man visit me.. and in my space.. because he felt safe.. my body felt safe. He taught me ways to connect more with it, that I could speak about sex without feeling like it was taboo.    Its all okay, this one ended up being a dud.  Lack of communication.. little lies. 

Back to not allowing anyone in my space unless they are one of my closest people. The individuals I hold closest to my heart.   

Remember that on again off again fling (I don’t know what else to call it).. I mean how else do you describe someone you don’t really date.. but hold a handful of memories and moments that you’ll cherish.  Not because they were grand or loud .. but because they were moments where time stopped.. and being fully present was the only thing you wanted to do.    Where they were both your friend but someone you could also give your body too.   Insert here the man I said was going to be hard to forget.   There is always one right. 

Here and now.. 

The mirror. 

I look at it and I don’t like what I see. 

I look at it and I pull at different parts. 

I look at it and say mean things to myself as tears roll down my face

I fuel it, I starve it, I strengthen it.

I have let hands touch it that didn’t deserve to.  

then I stop myself and I make myself say a few nice things about what I see.  

Our thoughts manifest, right? 

Can I look in the mirror, feel comfortable in my own body..&  embrace it,  embody it.  

Can I stop destroying it.. 

Can I stop nitpicking every little thing about it..

It was time I took my body back.. from anything and anyone it has ever experienced.  

It was time I embraced my body..

It was time I touched my body

And learned my body 

And appreciated my body 

To feel what it’s like to fully connect with my body.. and understand my bodies needs and wants.  

To not allow any other hands to touch my body in roughly three hundred and something days..  to not even being kissed.. in over four hundred days..  I have been able to understand what I truly desire and want.  

I have learned that I need to let go and move forward from a lot of experiences that I was still gripping on to.  

My journey with my body is ever changing.  Even since the blog in 2021, my body and how I feel about my body has changed.  

I can honestly say learning to value, appreciate, and learn my own body has been rewarding. I am grateful for this experience.  

I learned to stop letting just anyone into my space.  For me valuing and respecting my body came with not allowing just anyone to touch me.. to sleep next to me, to experience me.  

Learning my body

The intimacy of it

Touching it

Feeling it

Connecting with it

Learning and remembering every moment how to be grateful for my body.   

My body isn’t just my vessel, it is my home. 

xoxo,

Berkeley 

love your journey