My Journey: Three hundred sixty-five days & counting; East Coast.

It’s wild.. how much you can experience in a year.

This blog has taken me a few months too long to write. Trying to put all my thoughts down and together, has been its own little process.

The chaos of this.

Growth, Vulnerability, Boldness, Conquering fears, dating.. not dating, Actions aligning with words, learning more about what genuine healthy LOVE looks like, New ways of expressing myself, gratitude, Learning new things, Connecting more, Speaking clearly, Blogs, Journals, A business; on my own terms, Family time, Friends, New perspectives, Coaching-ish, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, My favorite places, Trips, Working fully fully remote, No car, Van fixes..and so much more.

The most consistent question asked this past year.. “Are you back for good?”

My go to response: “I wouldn’t say that exactly; I’d say I am here for now.”

It wasn’t until recently that I realized, this past year I was “running away” from the idea of actually being back here.

Why is it every time I get on a plane to the west coast/east coast..I always get all the emotions.

It’s honestly always a rollercoaster.

Was I fully present this past year?

Was I living moment by moment?

Is there takeaways from what I have reflected on?

Where am I at right now in this moment?

Was there growth?

Did I go backwards?

Am I always asking myself the same questions?

Do my words align with my actions?

What is real? And what isn’t?

Your body is telling you everything you need to know, can you feel it?

Constantly asking myself, “Berkeley, why did you come back?”

I didn’t really want to leave the house (I mean I didn’t have a car for a solid four months, so not leaving the house was actually pretty easy).

I didn’t really want to make new connections or put myself out there in any way.

I was trying to hold on to two places at the same time.

I had the constant want to be there.. but the knowing that I needed to be here.

I kept comparing the two.. like “ohh Cali has X, Y and Z.. and here doesn’t.”

It was becoming fucking annoying of me and it was an absolute mind fuck.

This mindset, this attachment was holding me back in so many ways. It wasn’t allowing me to see all that I had right in front of me.

It would have me constantly in what I call them “Berkeley’s unwell mindsets.”

Where I feel like those who are close to me don’t actually want to really be in my life.

Where I feel like I am too much and I bother them.

Where I feel like I didn’t show up for them fully in all the ways I could.

Where I feel like I didn’t show my appreciation for them enough due to the lack of my emotions.

Where I feel like I used their time to only benefit myself.

Where I feel like I’m always searching for some deeper meaning.

Where I feel like my heart aches for more.

These mindsets will have me silent; not reaching out or spending time with anyone.

The unwell-ness will have me constantly keeping the love others are trying to share with me at arms length; Not fully letting anything in, not believing anything that they say, not trusting or believing that others could actually love and care about me.

These mindsets have me second guessing everything..

if I talk openly about sex and what I want/desire.. I will not be taken seriously by any individual and only looked at in one way.

THE ABSOLUTE CHAOS OF MY THOUGHTS.

The mindsets where I am wanting something with depth but also freedom; where I can be fully myself chaos and all.

I’ve learned my least favorite thing about myself this past year was that these mindsets/moments I’d always have the ability to look at all those around me and see the beauty in each of them (insecurities and all).. but not myself.

If you’ve spent any bit of time with me in a one on one setting you may have noticed where I let these insecurities I carry show. You may have noticed where the confidence I’ve grown into.. lacks and fades.

This weird combo of knowing I am always enough..and..in the same breath not feeling like I am enough.

These moments I labeled the “One step forward and three steps back” every time; until they were overcome through the constant time with myself.. learning.. communicating.. understanding..and trusting.

Finally feeling like I am fully being present..

Sitting here going through it all..I am absolutely grateful for all this time being back.

I didn’t realize how much I missed being able to simply hug these human beings.

I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing their faces.

Creating new memories with them has been MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE!

THE POWER: that an in-person conversation has..

THE POWER: of being right in front of them.

THE POWER: of being present to notice all the ways they have changed/grown.

THE POWER: of simply laughing together.

Time.. is fucking priceless.

Keeping me present and wanting to be here..all started with simple messages.

That reminded me of all the beauty this area has.

There are only a few individuals who I naturally trust. Who I have no problem asking their perspective and opinion on situations. I not only value what they have to say, I also take it into consideration when I am reflecting or considering something new.

Sharing more in my journals and blogs.. then I could’ve ever imagined I would has created a new level of vulnerability for me; that was scary at first but in the long run helpful.

This has helped me learn to communicate my feelings and emotions so much better.

Constantly learning how to trust what my body is feeling in situations with others and alone.

Being able to have intimate moments again and learning what happens within myself.

Not only giving love but learning how to receive love.

Not attaching to any specific outcome in any situation.

Being open to the flow of it all.

Claiming what I want and not taking anything less.

TAKING UP SPACE.

Not making myself small.

Not being afraid to let new individuals into my life.

CHALLENGING myself in so many new ways.

Being grateful for the patience others have had/continue to have with me.

Finding the balance of work and life.

Learning that the constant coming and going was getting old.

I want to be in one place for once; and continue to still have the freedom to explore.

What has been so powerful for me in the journey of building confidence within myself was learning that I could speak openly/comfortably about sex, my wants, needs and boundaries. Learning that talking about these types of things/being open about them wouldn’t make me “attention seeking or easy.”

Learning how to say no and not feel bad or guilty. Our time is valuable. I want to use it doing all that I want to with those I love.

Finding the confidence in creating the business I have always wanted to have for myself. Building it at my own pace and making decisions based off where I am at in this journey.

Being able to start creating a little community here.

Learning to get out there and just go after it.

I am here and right now in this moment so is my heart.

Three hundred sixty-five days and counting.