My Journey: Some thoughts, I should’ve said

How many times am I going to “lose” my voice?

How many times am I going to allow myself to go silent?

To isolate.. when I want to scream at the top of my lungs?

Why do I keep holding back?

Why do I keep letting the silence speak for me?

What if I say the truth?

What if I speak my mind?

They say be blunt

They say be real

But do they really want that?

Because every time it seems like I am blunt, and I am honest, in a moment where I feel like finally I am able to be myself fully

BAM! I get slapped right in the head.

So I pull back.. and I retreat.

I am over the pull back.. and the retreat..

I am over watching the boundaries I worked hard creating for myself get stepped on.

So here are some of the thoughts I haven’t known how to say..

..here are some of the thoughts I don’t think most individuals will find appropriate for me to say out loud..

I don’t know if anyone could really handle how my mind works..

How it flows.

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

I don’t want to show up.

I want to lay in bed all day.

I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

As much as I want to isolate I need to not isolate.

As much as I want to runaway and disappear I need to try another way.

I want someone to tag along with me.. but I always go alone instead.

I have began to realize when I speak freely.. its too much

The thoughts inside my head are sometimes overbearing.

The thoughts inside my head are sometimes overwhelming.

They could be calm, good, bad, powerful, rad, sad, silly..

The thoughts inside my head.. are quiet..

I shouldn’t speak openly.

my voice has no importance.

every time I speak it is pointless.

I should talk less. I should feel less.

I should have kept it all to myself.

Am I a rollercoaster of emotions?

Is that what happens when I go with the flow of my mind?

I am spiraling. I am rambling... I am gonna go silent.

I am overthinking.. I am going numb.

My feelings are not my enemy

They are valid.

They are crazy sometimes, yes.. but they are beautiful.. right?

You are IMPORTANT.

You are Valued.

You are Invisible.

You are seen? No never.

You are unstable.

You are steady.

I need a mental health week.. month.. year? Nah nah just an hour.

Truth is I am low on trust.

Or maybe I have been trusting of the wrong individuals for too long.

So now I am learning to trust who I think are the right individuals.

Then again maybe that is bullshit too.

Maybe it’s that I do not trust words without actions.

Maybe it’s that I have heard so many WORDS and seen the complete opposite happen.. or see nothing actually happen.

Truth is I am tired of showing up and being supportive to individuals who just want to suck the actual fucking life out of me.

Is this bread crumbing and bullshit again?

Why do people hold on to you even when they don’t have the intention of being with you?

..they don’t want you to be with anyone else…

..they don’t want someone else being the one to be there for you..

..they don’t want someone else to be your go to person..

BUT THEY DON’T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT.

The truth is I will always believe in the good in others..

but its not my responsibility to guide them to that good.

The truth is some of y’all DESERVE ALL THE KARMA that is coming to you..is it good.. is it bad.. time will only tell.. out of my hands, out of my mind. NOT MY PROBLEM.

The truth is I know what it is like to have a guy friend who is strictly a friend and that’s it.

STOP taking someones kindness towards you as an invitation.

I need a long hug.. with no words.

Then again I don’t want to be touched.

I constantly flinch at the slightest movement towards me.

I can not hear or listen to “we should do this or we should do that”

When there is absolutely no intention of doing x, y or z.

I will actually SCREAM.. nope, I’ll probably go ghost.

The dark moments.. the lows.. literally break every single part of my mind.

If I reach out to you in those moments its because I value you.. and I believe you are capable of helping me pull myself out of it. Its rare that I even reach out to anyone in those moments

Truth is I battle constantly with believing that I could actually be loved by anyone.

even when I can see it.. even when I can feel it from those around me.

“Insert the trust thing again”

I am learning I am worthy of love..slowly very slowly

I honestly fully believe somedays that I waste other peoples time.

That I am a burden. That I could not possibly be the light that someone may have needed in the midst of their darkest storm.

I honestly think sometimes I need someone to grab me by both my arms and shake me.

DO I SEEE MYSELF.

Truth is I am sick of giving.

Some moments I am sick of being.

Then I bring myself back.

Don’t let this storm win.

These are not my emotions or energy to feel. I release it. I let it all go.

When will peoples words actually align to their fucking actions?

Do my words align with my actions?

When I surround myself with these individuals.. what does that say about me?

Why do I always go back to accountability?

Truth is I always wanted to go through all of this together.

Truth is I just needed you to be there for me in those dark moments.. and for once not expect me to take it all on by myself. Truth is I needed you to show up for me. TO fucking choose me for once. I needed you. BUT MAYBE, I was never going to be able to see that or feel that from you.

Why did I watch it. Did I watch it because I felt like I had to?

I knew I was going to cry.. I knew I was going to have emotions..

I wasn’t sad crying. It was more of a relief. It was more of like a realization that I spoke my truth (I handled the situation shitty.. well realistically I handle the situation the best I even knew how to) and set us both free. I was grateful to see he found someone who you could tell saw him and could love him in all the ways I knew I would never be able to.

Did I hear that correctly? ”hey if we are both single at ___age do you think we should get married.” I think I blocked that conversation out.. because it made no sense to me.

When do I think I will let someone in all the way?

Why do I dislike being touched in a lot of moments..

Truth is I was called names and belittled all because I didn’t want to have sex with my boyfriend whenever he wanted it..I was reminded of some of my past mistakes and they were used against me in ways that I could have never imagined.. all so that this man could get off.

Truth is I have experienced being touched in moments when it was not appropriate at all. I trusted someone else and I let them sleep next to me and they violated me. The truth is when I used my voice in this instance I was made to feel small, I was made to feel like my voice wasn’t valid. That what I was saying was made up and bullshit. The truth is I will not sleep next to someone I do not know. The truth is if I do.. I will lie next to them WIDE awake the entire time.. or as long as possible.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO STOP BEING THE BIGGER AND BETTER PERSON?

Good people.

“LIFE AND LOVE ISN’T ABOUT WHAT YOU GAIN ITS ABOUT WHAT YOU GIVE”

I know 100% what love isn’t.

The truth is.. I wasn’t made for casual sex. Or endless dating and dating and dating.

Truth is.. a compliment about my body is nice to hear..

(And I am grateful for my strength, and I am grateful for my body)

BUT THE TRUTH IS I don’t want it to be the first thing that is brought up in a conversation.

It is a massive turn off to me when someone mentions my body first.

The truth is I absolutely love someone who I can be perfectly my self with.

I love when someone can be both spontaneous and also make a plan.

I want to experience each of the many stages of someones journey with them.

I love, LOVE. (I am saying that without cringing)

I love being able to learn about someone and witness all the things they don’t share with the rest of the world.

I love building each other up.

I love remembering the little things about what someone likes.. and doesn’t like.

A team; not perfect.. but always willing to learn, grow and figure it out.

When I stretch out my arms all I wanted to feel was no walls..

that’s the type of freedom I wanted to feel.

Truth is my life was better with him in it

but then it was also difficult with him in it too.

The constant in and out.

Does his presence in my life feed certain parts of me?

I didn’t ever expect him to show up for me in anyway.

I didn’t expect him to ever call.

Truth is.. I ask all the time.. “why me?”

He wasn’t fully part of my life and I knew he would never choose to be..

but regardless of that I kept choosing to share moments with him

Maybe it was because I felt like he had been the only person I have ever known who could understand me.. even when I don’t think I understood myself. Or was this all bullshit I made up in my head.

I’d tell you that you saved my life.

I’d tell you that you are one of only a few individuals I feel safe with.

I’d tell you every time I look at you.. nothing else around me exists, not even time.

I am grateful for you.

Sometimes I find it hard to express my gratitude to the few individuals in my life that deserve the biggest Thank you for pushing me through those dark moments.

Do people always leave or do I push them out??

Constantly writing these thoughts, clearing out this chaotic mess.

..there was always going to be an end..

Some of the things from my journal recently:

Create your own fun

I Value what you have to say

The power of friendship

Live this life for you

I don’t get attached to things.. I fall in love with moments that speak to my soul

BURN IT ALL DOWN

Soul level

Are you fooling yourself?

My mind and body are mine but I want to share them with only you

He said, “tough girls don’t cry”

Is it you and me or you with out me? The truth is you can’t have both

Time moves different for you and I

“Don’t confuse flightiness and lack of accountability as flexibility”

“would you lay it all on me now”

It was the stillness that came with running in the rain… the magic of a storm raging all around me.. and I was the calm in it.

Investigate the way you’re attracted to destruction

Trial and error

What if what you keep trying to run away from is also the only thing that has the power to get you to stay

Be reckless?!

Positive actions

Is fear the greatest incapacitator?

Truth is I forget my fears when I am under you.

Riding this wave.

Recognize what is said and what is done

“In love and death we don’t decide”

“Bout time you tell that rolling stone you’re rolling with to get going gone.”

The unknown is where it starts

Unconditional love vs conditional love

I’m strong enough to give all the love I need

What are you waiting for?

Days with both trees and the beach

Where does your love come from?

Imagine being all in.

“I roll every window down and burn up every back road in this town”

DO YOU FEEL IT!

WHERE IS YOUR HEART?

“If you want to go fast go alone; but if you want to go far, go together”

I want to be the one who helps build you up.

Lovers and best friends

Using your voice can be safe

Put it all out there .. you have nothing to lose.

Do they value you? Do they respect you?

Connection and true love: exists?

Intimate relationships?

In a crowded room would they choose you?

Embrace the changes

Say goodbye

Reciprocal depth only

Masculine and feminine energy

The little things that make you smile

If you are constantly reading my words maybe I should bare it all right here for you?

It’s in your hands now.. not mine.

Do you fill your mind with the good stuff? Kindness, love, faith, hope and joy?

I’ll ask the questions .. ill vocalize how I feel but .. do I feel safe enough. Does that even make sense?

God made it come your way for a reason.

A little vanity isn’t a bad thing.

Did you hear what you even said?

Self correcting, self reflecting, self adjusting.. assessing your limits

Knowing when it’s reciprocated and when it’s not. You’ll feel the difference

“Your tolerance for chaos is off the charts”

What did you whisper that night?

Improvements and advice..

Cultivating kind, and good relationships

The silence speaks volumes .. where my thoughts fill in the blanks

To be actually fully embraced with love & protection..by someone who chooses you everyday. Exactly the way you choose yourself.

I’d tell you that you are worth it.. but then I remind myself that so am I

Should I let you all the way in?

No one is allowed all the way in to me..

If you are a temporary person you will always feel the distance between you and I.

STAY FOCUSED BERKELEY

Maybe I have to clear all these extra thoughts first.. unpack them..

Stay optimistic

Trust your inner voice

All of the thoughts.. then nothing..

I love

I do

For me

My gut, my intuition.. ARE YOU LISTENING?

Notice the difference between those in your life meant to block you and those who are there to bless you

Don’t let fear sideline you

A team. I see them show up .. no questions asked.

I see the beauty in your heart

I see the kindness in your soul

You… that’s it .. only you. don’t forget

Validate yourself.

Your energy and your time IS EXPENSIVE.. REMEMBER THAT

It is making its way to you trust the timing

All that I have in my head.. does it live there.. is it trapped here.. or do I choose not to share it? Or release it?

Are your intentions pure.. authentic and real?

It is built not found

A life story.. growth, pain, challenges, successes, failures, love, loss.. ALLL OF IT!

Patience in the wait

I come home to you (a dream that I have).. but who are you?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

The present and the future

I isolate but do I want quality time?

I refuse touch.. but do I want to be held?

Stop gaslighting yourself.

June.. July,, and almost august

I’ll stop. Fuck it.

Be mindful about who you let touch you

Stay connected to whoever brings out the best in you

Somebody should kiss you.

Vulnerability itself is essential for growth

Go without.

LOVE YOUR JOURNEY.