My Journey: Navigating through

Soul-less

Emotional.

Numb.

Feeling too much. Feeling too little.

How do I feel something, anything?

I feel like somedays I am searching.. or looking.. I feel like somedays.. I can’t seem to turn it off.

Learning how to navigate through it all.. Learning how to understand it all..

Have you ever had moments where you felt like you were trying to feel something?.. Searching and hoping to feel anything at all.. but there was always nothing.

wait..lets change that..

You’re sitting in a room full of people, and you just start to feel everything all at once..

you know there is no where to go.. and you are in conversations that you 100% know you won’t remember.. Your anxiety is just building and building. You feel as if you are just floating along.

Panic takes over.. and you start to think.. Do I try to “blend in?” Do I at least seem calm, cool and collected? Will anyone realize the chaos going on in my mind, and body right now? Do I just smile? .. Can I smile right now?.. Ahh Fuck it.

lets change it again..

It’s just you.

Feelings skyrocketing or Feelings not existing.

the quiet seemed strange at first.. its unknown.. its unfamiliar

And all you know is that you liked it.. you aren’t lonely.. but you are all alone

Absolute solitude.

the rollercoaster.

Maybe instead of just stating that you’ve changed you match your actions with those words. Can you visually see the change in yourself, can you feel the change?

For me I don’t think the same way as I did previously. I handle things differently. The ways I cope with.. the “to many feelings” or the moments that “lack feelings” is different.

I wanted to provide full honesty here in writing this blog but part of me has gone back and forth with how descriptive I wanted to be; How vulnerable I wanted to be here.. how much I wanted to put down on this page and allow others to know and read.

Laying down looking up at the sky.. and/or the ceiling.. feeling absolutely nothing at all. ..its just Blank.. I am numb

Moments in the past when I felt numb or nothing at all.. I’d try to find ways to try and feel something. Going out and having pointless conversations with others.. trying to fill my days with work .. or events.. drinking.. or on occasion just “hooking up” with someone.

Ive been known to be detached. Ive been known to disappear. I have known myself to try to find something with someone.. when that wasn’t the answer I needed.. It wasn’t what I was actually looking for. It just settled into the “temporary fix category.”

Being numb for me .. is always different.. it hits randomly. I used to not be able to understand what it was or how to “correctly” pull myself out of it. One of the hardest lessons I learned was..knowing that hooking up with someone was only going to make it worse. Mainly because that’s not the type of person I am. I love connecting with others.. I love genuine connections and conversations. When I would “feel or be numb”.. I just wanted something or someone to make it all go away.. to fix it for me. I know what some people are thinking while reading this and your understanding of this is yours to have.. but I didn’t “whore” myself out there.. (hooking up = Kissing, all the in-between and Sex).

In spending so much time alone, eating alone, working out alone, working alone.. etc.. I had and still have a ton of time to continue to learn and understand myself.

I go for walks.. I try to process what I can.

I even sometimes just have a little cry because it gets overwhelming and I don’t know what else to do.

the “disappear” state of mind. I go ghost on my phone. I forget to text back, or I don’t text back.. I distance myself .. self isolation. To not burden anyone.

I asked a couple of other individuals for this who have vocalized they have this same “numb” feeling from time to time.. or have felt overwhelmed by the amount of feelings they take on at once. They provided me with how they would describe what they are going through in both moments.

When you feel “numb” how would you describe that feeling?

“When I start to feel numb I usually start to distance myself from humans and the world or will only want to be with one person I will also resort to smoking, sitting and listening to sad music till I feel okay again.”

“I feel like sometimes I ignore the feeling until it comes back in full force. I’m usually coping by being busy and not having to think about how I’m actually feeling. I would also describe it as not giving a shit at all about what the consequences are if I just gave up; because almost anything else is better than what I’m going through in the moment. It tends to make me feel like I want to run away and be free of all of my responsibilities because I’m usually feeling it all come in at once. When I say “it” I mean the thoughts, the guilt, the overload of responsibility, the anxiety and the depression. That concoction is what makes me numb and I want to be alone and by myself. I don’t ever need or want anyone else for comfort. Sometimes I talk myself out of it, other times I drive around and blast music or I work and work and work to distract myself.

“Lonely like everyone and everything is against me and there’s nothing to do that will make it go away besides faking happiness.”

We normalize handling this mindset on our own because we don’t wish to burden another person. I know for me I feel like an absolute crazy person when these moments happen. I don’t project or anything anymore. I just sit outside..lay on the ground, floor.. whatever surface .. and breath.. let the numbness fade away.. sometimes if it takes a few days or a week to shake.. I spend a great deal of time alone.. or recently I have spent a lot more time surrounded by my siblings.

Laying down looking up at the sky.. and/or the ceiling with just absolute chaos running through my mind.

Having too many thoughts can be overwhelming. You want to just talk it out.. you want to just say everything and anything. I have found that just writing words down when I don’t know how to put sentences together about how I am feeling, is helpful. After living alone for so long I didn’t always have someone to just chat with. I also haven’t been very good at just letting it all out for someone to know and hear. I sit with it.. I work through it. Eventually it all slows down..and I get a break from the madness of my mind.

Do you ever feel too much at once? How do you handle that when it happens?

“There are a lot of times I feel too much or it feels too heavy and not in the weight sense.. its more of a feeling of having to much in my head or going on around me it causes me to be overwhelmed and over stimulated then I go into a sense of hibernation and deep depression. I will start spacing out a lot or disassociating I can’t say I have found a way to handle it yet I just let it pass then jump back into the world until it happens again. It’s a never ending cycle.

“When I start to “feel too much at once” I start to dissociating a lot. I am more “tired” than usual and I push people away. Definitely dissociate more than I’d like to admit. It helps me too to recognize how shitty I am. I don’t know that I fully bring myself back, I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle. I’m usually just happy when I’m out with friends or doing something I enjoy. I snap out of it but then it all just becomes too much again.”

Music and going for a walk .. I feel like are my “solutions” or a way to cope with the “feeling to much at one time.” When it happens at night and I don’t want to go for a walk.. or a drive.. I play the song Drifting by Nick Box.. I put headphones on.. I lay on my mat or carpet and just listen. I do some breath work.. I allow myself to feel..without judgement and without any other distractions. Reminding myself to breath.. and letting my mind go freely where it wants to flow. Its even helped bring me back from the numbness on occasion.

I hope that no matter what mindset you have in the moment.. you find your strength to get through it. I hope that you always have a place in your heart for yourself.

One moment, one day at a time.

I say take the time to misunderstand yourself, just as much as you try to understand yourself.

Growth and learning in the unknown.

Growth and learning in the chaos.

It’s okay if you need to take a step back, and take a break.

You matter.

You are significant.

& You deserve the world.